Throughout my life and all the losses I have experienced, this is the first time I have looked deeply into the grief process and addressing where I’m at. This is an honest, raw expression of my pain and an essential part of my healing and regaining balance.
My Grandmother died in April and my Dad passed one month ago. Somehow I feel that by losing them both, part of myself has also passed. Will this instigate a new and improved Chenin? Time will tell.
Greif has been in the forefront of my mind since I started my new venture through Energy & Holistic medicine. It’s what I know and what I have been good at helping others with. Not just with the death of a loved one, but the loss of pets, relationships, a job or lifestyle. Greif like cancer doesn’t discriminate but it can make you hate; yourself that is and what follows is not always pretty and can lead to a lifetime of unhappiness and illness if not supported and nurtured.
The day before my Dad passed I was already in the anger phase (part 2 will take a closer look at these phases). I knew he would pass the next day (some people just know) so I was feeling intense sadness and anger towards everything and everyone around me. It didn’t help that I had a full house and that people were demanding my attention and complaining about their lives. Everything was pushing my buttons and that’s what anger does…. It piles up, up and up until you explode. Is it personal….no. It doesn’t matter what, who or where …you’re a ticking time bomb. What I realised though, people who truly love you, who oooozzzzzz love, don’t take it personally, don’t make it about them, don’t try to hug it out and tell you everything will be ok. They hold the space for you with such deep compassion for your loss and empathise with your pain and suffering and just let you be. Whether that means giving you space; talking about it or not talking about it. No comparisons, no judgment.
Dad was first diagnosed with Lymphoma in 2000 at the age of 50. He never smoked, never drunk and maintained a healthy weight. He went through Chemo and went into remission. I felt for him but never did I think I would lose him then and it wasn’t until 18 years later that the cancer came back in full force, eventually ending his life at age 68, on the day of our daughters 5th birthday.
Am I hurting……without a doubt, yes. But in a way, I didn’t expect. I’m angry. Not just a little bit, a lot-a-bit. At what? That’s what I’m in the process of working out. I’m stuck in this part of the grief process not knowing which way is up and which way is down. Grief really does mess with your mind. I really want to cry but the tears won’t come. They start and then I’m like “is that It”?
At first, I was angry at all the people I have been there for through their passing of a loved one and tough times in their lives. Dropping everything to be by their side and being their emotional sound-board for months on end. But who is here for me? I know I push people away because I can’t deal with people telling me “I know I you feel” You know what, you don’t. Nobody knows how another feels when they lose someone as you don’t know of their connection, their bond, their love for the other person. You can empathise or have compassion but the only person who knows how they are feeling is themselves. Then there are the people that you tell about your Dads passing and they start complaining about something minimal in their life which trumps your loss, so you stop telling people.
So me being me, I know I can keep going round in circles with these thoughts or I can change the way I’m feeling and think of those who have been there, those who contributed to the cost of getting to and from the funeral, those who have listened to how I’m feeling, those that send me texts and cards just to let me know they are thinking of me….the people that get me and truly care.
Then anger steps in again….my own mother hasn’t asked how I’m feeling or checked in to see how I’m doing. A sibling that says this loss brings us closer together is busy thinking about how they will benefit with Dads passing and then I get angry, now with Dad…..still no tears.
And bullshit to hitting pillows and screaming, all that does is make me look like a dick and feel uncomfortable. I have to find the source of my anger. I’m close……..