No matter who you are, you need an outlet for your emotions in the grief process. There is no one size fits all method, but to get a release you must do something, even if it is acknowledging the feelings that arise.
For me, it seems expressing how I am feeling through writing and this blog is definitely helping. I can feel the anger in the first words I wrote and then I can begin to feel them soften. What I have also been aware of is my family’s grief and how much kids take on no matter how young they are.
I spoke at my Dads funeral whilst our daughter sat with her older cousin. A week after the funeral she spoke to me about my Dad teaching me how to ride a bike, something I mentioned in my speech. It blew my mind she heard every word I said. I know she could feel the emotions that day and the days prior and after of his passing. I have made the time to talk to her about death and encouraged her to let the tears flow when they come, explaining that it’s a positive thing to do this and it releases emotions from her body. Every now and then we will look at the stars and wait to see if there is a shooting one with the belief that is a sign from my Grandma & Dad. Children see things so clearly. She even told me very matter of factly that my Daddy would pass on her birthday and sure enough, he did. When I told her late the next day that he had passed she said, “I told you so”. It brought tears to my eyes.
So where to next? If I’m out of the anger phase, next is depression, reflection and loneliness – that doesn’t sound appealing! I have been doing a lot of reflection and I see how you could get stuck in the depression and loneliness phase if you hadn’t addressed the anger or found the tools to do so.
Whenever you get angry, again you need to go back through the process and deal with things step by step. Acknowledge how you are feeling and know that its ok to feel that way, whether that be weeks, months or years later.
The loneliness has come and gone many times. The realisation that even though the forms of communication are many, most people are too busy with their own lives to take the time to see how you are feeling. Not everyone. I am very blessed to have a handful of friends who always check in. It’s important that you are there for yourself. Do things for yourself that you would like others to do for you. You can write to yourself, take yourself shopping, spoil yourself. Whatever makes you feel good, special and not alone.
Bottom line is that we need to start talking about grief and how situations make us feel without any judgement and know that its ok. There are plenty of organisations that offer help and many toll-free help lines if you just want to chat.
Its ok to feel. Be kind to yourself and allow time to heal.
Be there for you. Choose you:)